Boundaries and self-care currently seem to be the number one topics in the mental health and wellness industries. This doesn’t really surprise me. So many areas of life demand a lot from us, and it can become quite challenging to navigate, especially if you are someone who cares a lot and has a hard time saying “no”. There’s nothing wrong with being a helpful, caring person, but it is also important to draw a line sometimes and set some boundaries for your personal well-being. Saying yes to many things symbolizes that you have a deeper set of values, so if you are always there for people you care about, you value relationships. Taking on too many projects at work shows that you value learning, and that’s exactly how it continues in many other areas of life. In order to thrive, we need balance. If your default is set to saying “yes” all the time, you might end up missing out on taking the needed time to take care of yourself, your values, and your goals. Boundaries are like the foundation to your identity and represent a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being. Everyone has personal limits, and boundaries communicate those limits. It is very important to let other people know about your boundaries, so they can act accordingly. If someone knowingly trespasses those limits regularly, it will help you to make decisions about the future relationship with that person. So now we know setting boundaries, and communicating them is important.
Then why is it so hard to set healthy boundaries?
+The fear of hurting someone’s feelings
Setting limits in a relationship can bring up unpleasant feelings, and leave the other party hurt. If it is something that is important to you, and will help you grow, and live in peace, you should not think twice. People who care about you and love you will remain in your life. As harsh as it sounds, at the end of the day you are not responsible for anyone’s feelings or happiness.
+ Social Conditioning
Sometimes it is expected to always be there and provide care. This is the everyday truth for many women. We are expected to be the caregivers, nurturers and always be available when anyone needs us. I mean, it makes sense, children need their mothers more than anything else, and so this mindset is passed on generation after generation. If you’re not being careful with giving out your “yeses’ you might end up exhausted, and with no energy to really be present. Even as a mother, woman, wife, it’s okay to get help and also say ‘No’
+ Fear Of Missing Out
It’s a blessing but also a curse. The fear of missing out is often characterized by over-commitment. People who are on a regular search for excitement, or scared of missing out on any opportunity to grow or feel good definitely have a very exciting and adventurous life. If it is done in moderation it can absolutely benefit, but always seeking for a thrill and at the same time feeling like your life is not good enough can lead to serious dissatisfaction and unhappiness. You have to be clear about your values and goals, and set your boundaries in alignment with those.
Yes, it can be hard to set boundaries, but deep down we all know what we want and how much we can tolerate. For a very long time, I have also neglected my boundaries and tried to convince myself that my personal limits might be too much, based on the reactions I got expressing how I felt in certain situations. And that was wrong. Nobody can tell you what is right or what is wrong for you. You have the power over what you want, need, and tolerate. Not listening to your inner voice will leave you desperate. It will disconnect you from who you truly are and will negatively affect all areas of your life. Therefore, even though it might be hard to set and communicate boundaries, it is important you do it. It will change your life, help you flourish, and get you to where you’re supposed to be.
How to set healthy boundaries:
If you want to set healthy boundaries you need to know your limits. Examine what boundaries you already have and reinforce those. In the next step, those boundaries need to be communicated. A simple “No” is enough, you don’t need to over-explain why you decided to have this boundary. With every boundary, there needs to be a consequence as well, otherwise, that boundary will not be effective. Being assertive about your standpoint will increase your mental health and wellbeing.
Personal boundaries are the limits we have in relationships with other people. Here are some examples of healthy personal boundaries:
+ Intellectual Boundaries: deal with the way someone values and respects your thoughts and ideas. People don’t have to agree with the way you view certain things, but the moment someone disrespects your thoughts, or makes fun them, they are clearly violating this boundary.
+ Physical Boundaries: the way you interact with another person physically. It involves space and physical touch like a handshake, hug, or kiss. Communicate what you’re comfortable with as far as proximity, touch, and privacy.
+ Emotional Boundaries: everybody handles emotions differently. Women are known to be very emotional, and sometimes even let their feelings run moments of their lives. It’s okay to feel, have emotions, and also talk about your feelings. Emotional boundaries are violated when someone criticizes or belittles your feelings.
+ Time Boundaries: Time is a very important topic and sometimes very hard to handle. It is important to manage time and set health boundaries. A person should have enough time for each aspect of day to day life. If someone demands all your time, and you always say yes, you’ll slowly loose yourself and neglect your hobbies, friends, work, which ultimately will make you unhappy. Vice versa, if someone never has time, cancels last minute or just doesn’t show up when you made plans, it is a clear sign of violation and you should communicate your limits here.
To sum it up, it is not always easy to be clear about your boundaries. You might even have slightly different boundaries with different people, like for example partner vs. kids. Boundaries are flexible and change over time just like you will change and grow with your everyday experiences. Maybe your boundaries will get stronger and you will be more consequent, or you decide to lighten up a little. Whatever feels good for you is the right way to move. But it is important that the boundaries exist and that you are aware of them. Healthy boundaries will improve your self-worth, increase your sense of identity, and will help you conserve your emotional energy.